You must have some questions about Onion Social. Below, you’ll learn everything you could ever need to know about CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum and the revolution in social networking he made possible.
Q: What is Onion Social?
A: Onion Social is the next generation of social networks, paving the way for users tired of lesser social media websites to access unfettered information, unparalleled reportage, and unmatched connectivity with friends, bringing the fire of truth and reason to humanity’s unwashed masses much like the mythical Prometheus brought flames down to man.
Q: How many people are currently on Onion Social?
A: We currently have 21 billion registered users.
Q: Is Onion Social hiring?
A: Although we are not currently hiring, any new job listings will be posted on our Careers page in the event of an employee die-off.
Sign up for Onion Social here.
Q: Is CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum single?
A: No, but he is available.
Q: Why do I keep getting rejected every time I try to sign up for an account?
A: We are currently experiencing a high volume of traffic to Onion Social and we can only take the best of the best, so maybe take some time to reflect on why you are not a desirable candidate for our site.
Q: What does Onion Social do with my data?
A: At Onion Social, we believe that consumer trust is crucial to our mission, and maintaining full transparency is an incredibly important part of that.
Q: Can I link my credit cards to Onion Social?
A: Yes! While e-commerce options are not currently available, Onion Social works best when given full access to your financial records.
Q: What if I want to delete my Onion Social account?
A: You’re probably thinking of your Facebook account. In order to delete it, simply click on this link and follow the listed steps.
Q: Who can see what I post on Onion Social?
A: Your posts will only be visible to the friends you select, the friends we select, third parties, and the Onion Social data-sweep team.
Q: Why am I being asked to link my tax files to my account?
A: Why are you being so defensive about them? Do you have something to hide?
Q: How do I remove a friend, or prevent someone from seeing my profile?
A: Sorry, those features are not and will never be available on Onion Social, as they directly conflict with our mission of bringing people closer together no matter the consequences.
Q: How did the idea of Onion Social first arise?
A: Jeremy Rosenbaum developed it from its predecessor, O-Smash, a service that allowed users to compare photos of Jamie Oliver.
Q: What do I do if I see that someone has posted pornographic or other offensive images to their feed?
Sign up for Onion Social here.
Q: Is Onion Social free?
A: So to speak.
Q: How do I find my friends on Onion Social?
A: Your old friends are dead. We will find you new friends.
Q: What are O-Bucks?
A: O-Bucks are a digital currency, which is paid out to our content partners in lieu of less reliable “money.” It is redeemable for grain, clean water, soap, rent at the Onion Social barracks, and other necessities in the Onion Social marketplace.
Q: Are there any side effects?
A: Users may experience nausea, blurred vision, slurred speech, joint pain, hallucinations, hair loss, and frequent urination.
Q: Where can I go if I have further questions?
A: You sure are inquisitive, huh? Remember, nothing good ever comes from sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong. Run along now.
Q: Where should I direct press inquiries?
A: Due to the already massive overflow of journalists reaching out to us to write laudatory profiles of our company, we are not taking any more inquiries at this time.
Q: I’m being harassed on Onion Social. What should I do?
A: Congrats! On Onion Social, being harassed is just another way users can interact with one another.
Q: How do I request that a post get taken down?
A: Please submit all requests in person at the Onion Social offices.
Q: How do I change my profile picture?
A: Simply send a 2-by-2-inch color photograph along with the proper paperwork and $80 processing fee to Onion Social headquarters. Expect to see your new pic up on the site within two to six weeks.
Q: How do I update or change the information shown on my profile?
A: Our algorithm automatically updates your publicly displayed information as you make changes in your real life.
Q: Can I access Onion Social on mobile?
A: Of course, you fucking rube.
Q: Is there an age requirement to join?
A: Onion Social has no age limits, but we encourage older people to back off so we can focus on that lucrative 18-35 market.
Q: How many people work for Onion Social?
A: Onion Social employs 240 consenting people along with a team of 1,800 others.
Q: Does Onion Social track my activity after I leave the site?
A: Absolutely not. Once you’re logged in, it’s impossible to leave.